Well I knew it was gong to be hard to top last years weekend. The GP was good for Tash and Sue, they played it pretty good and came 4th and 1st respectively.
Unfortunately Tash got the stomach flu last night and and she spent the night with one foot in the bathroom. So she could barely walk this morning and had a day on the couch. Her parents came over and her mom helped nurse her while I was out racing. I'm stuffing Popsicle's down her throat and feeding her ice cubes to sequel the nausea and Orangina to replenish calories and fluid. I guess there are some advantages to living with a man nurse.
For some reason I sometimes suck myself into racing how can I say "un-intelligently" or "not brilliant" or maybe even "stupid" when the race is within a bike ride of my house. I just had a conversation with someone and I said that it's stupid to be racing and trying just to beat the local guys. But I somehow sucked myself into a really poor style of racing that I can say I'm really not proud of. I think both days I managed to do similar things that lead to me missing opportunities that I knew would arise in the race. I had a feeling that both days would play out a certain way , but for some reason my pride got the best of me and forced me almost into a negative style of racing in which I was not necessarily concerned about wining, but just not loosing if that makes any sense.
I really don't know why this happened, maybe it's a combo of racing travelling and working this week to be able to go to BC. What Tasha and I are trying to do is race as professionals. This means making a living by racing but it also means acting in a way that is professional on and off the bike and I point the finger at myself and accuse myself of behaving like a chump this weekend. Maybe I started in the GP when a guy bumped into me and almost took me out, I usually let it slide or just say "ezeeeee!" but I flipped out, grabbed his jersey and told him that if he did that again I'de put him in the ditch. Man this is very uncharacteristic of me. I've never done anything like this before. OK maybe the guy was at fault, but I really didn't need to be like that.
Than today in the Crit, I just started worrying about getting the Ontario Title again, I lost focus of just wining the race. I mean ok it wasn't easy today, but it's not as if it was the ride to end all rides, I was buggered, but just cause I was rolling hard. I was a little out of place not having Natasha on the side lines, but for some reason I put pressure on myself to win the stupid title. I almost wish someone could have grabbed my jersey today and told me to smarten up. The weired thing is by not going for the win and just trying to get the title, it makes me feel like a cheat. I have to say that I let myself down today and with he kind of attitude that I had this weekend I'm glad I wasn't the Champion, cause I certainly didn't act like any kind of Champion.
It has to be said that I have a pretty heavy conscious and if this is the way I feel after loosing focus of why I race, I can't imagine how winning by cheating must feel. I mean really if you look at it the big picture, it's not that bad. Racing is about tactics and sometimes you gotta beat the guys you like, it's just the way it goes, sometimes you gotta be a bugger to get it done. But when you cheat yourself it's the worst feeling you can ever have. In this I just mean that by not going for the win, that just trying to win a title, I cheated myself in a race that I could have won. I lost by not not trying to loose, instead of trying to win. I mean who knows I did try pretty hard in the sprint but it was just the way I went about it that I'm displeased with.
Realistically no one cares that I didn't win, that I came second. I remember how great of a day it was last year and it's not because I won, but it was because Tasha and I both won and we shared a great day. I got this confused with what I thought what it was to win, I got lost in my thoughts and I had my head up my ass.
Ok, enough of that, repenting, maybe sit in the corner for an hour and start from scratch. I almost feel like I need to jump on a plane and go to some far away place and race my brains out in a race that is so hard that these thoughts are eliminated from my mind and all that is happening is the jump out the corner, the sprint for primes and full out, full gas racing.
Wait a minute that just may happen...Tuesay for that matter.
DSJ
oh please oh please god of good racing and everythingness please help Tasha feel good and help her get back to good I think she can only drink so much Orangina.
For some reason I sometimes suck myself into racing how can I say "un-intelligently" or "not brilliant" or maybe even "stupid" when the race is within a bike ride of my house. I just had a conversation with someone and I said that it's stupid to be racing and trying just to beat the local guys. But I somehow sucked myself into a really poor style of racing that I can say I'm really not proud of. I think both days I managed to do similar things that lead to me missing opportunities that I knew would arise in the race. I had a feeling that both days would play out a certain way , but for some reason my pride got the best of me and forced me almost into a negative style of racing in which I was not necessarily concerned about wining, but just not loosing if that makes any sense.
I really don't know why this happened, maybe it's a combo of racing travelling and working this week to be able to go to BC. What Tasha and I are trying to do is race as professionals. This means making a living by racing but it also means acting in a way that is professional on and off the bike and I point the finger at myself and accuse myself of behaving like a chump this weekend. Maybe I started in the GP when a guy bumped into me and almost took me out, I usually let it slide or just say "ezeeeee!" but I flipped out, grabbed his jersey and told him that if he did that again I'de put him in the ditch. Man this is very uncharacteristic of me. I've never done anything like this before. OK maybe the guy was at fault, but I really didn't need to be like that.
Than today in the Crit, I just started worrying about getting the Ontario Title again, I lost focus of just wining the race. I mean ok it wasn't easy today, but it's not as if it was the ride to end all rides, I was buggered, but just cause I was rolling hard. I was a little out of place not having Natasha on the side lines, but for some reason I put pressure on myself to win the stupid title. I almost wish someone could have grabbed my jersey today and told me to smarten up. The weired thing is by not going for the win and just trying to get the title, it makes me feel like a cheat. I have to say that I let myself down today and with he kind of attitude that I had this weekend I'm glad I wasn't the Champion, cause I certainly didn't act like any kind of Champion.
It has to be said that I have a pretty heavy conscious and if this is the way I feel after loosing focus of why I race, I can't imagine how winning by cheating must feel. I mean really if you look at it the big picture, it's not that bad. Racing is about tactics and sometimes you gotta beat the guys you like, it's just the way it goes, sometimes you gotta be a bugger to get it done. But when you cheat yourself it's the worst feeling you can ever have. In this I just mean that by not going for the win, that just trying to win a title, I cheated myself in a race that I could have won. I lost by not not trying to loose, instead of trying to win. I mean who knows I did try pretty hard in the sprint but it was just the way I went about it that I'm displeased with.
Realistically no one cares that I didn't win, that I came second. I remember how great of a day it was last year and it's not because I won, but it was because Tasha and I both won and we shared a great day. I got this confused with what I thought what it was to win, I got lost in my thoughts and I had my head up my ass.
Ok, enough of that, repenting, maybe sit in the corner for an hour and start from scratch. I almost feel like I need to jump on a plane and go to some far away place and race my brains out in a race that is so hard that these thoughts are eliminated from my mind and all that is happening is the jump out the corner, the sprint for primes and full out, full gas racing.
Wait a minute that just may happen...Tuesay for that matter.
DSJ
oh please oh please god of good racing and everythingness please help Tasha feel good and help her get back to good I think she can only drink so much Orangina.
4 comments:
Yah should have taken the shirt of that btch that hit yah some weeks back. Man, she could have ruined your career big time! (go have a chat with a fella named Phil at Full Cycle on St Laurent - guy got hit some years back...)
Yah know the stakes are on the line when it comes to violence.
I'm kinda glad I gotta good day job cause cycling is tough. It has its ups and downs. Highly competive atmosphere. Lots of back stabbing...
I take a look at Floyd (been to 2 races, mtb). The dude is pretty much broke.
Most are pretty broke or busted up.
Man, I saw Bill H on the sidelines on the weekend. He's gonna miss cycling for a while.
The cost and benefits have to be weighted.
You're one hell of a rider though with a lot of determination!
But, you also have a great job.
I'd try to balance both.
It's damn tough - I try to balance a tough engineering job (working with 20 year olds, who spend 100% of their time eating, sleeping, drinking engineering... lazy asses though... they'll pay for that in their older years), kids (2 sweet chums), an x wife to manage, a gf to manage, racing, etc...
it ain't easy trying to balance everything.
Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to blow off!
Its tough. Very tough.
But, gotta keep everything in perspective - if I wasn't biking, I'd be like 99% of the people in ottawa - spending my weekends shopping, sitting, eating. Good for the economy, horrible for one's health.
Health is the number one thing for me. Without health, might as well give it all up.
Cycling does that for me. Keeps me healthy and fit. Job pays the bills and keeps the x-wife happy. Additional time, kids and gf.
Damn tough.
I laugh when the 20 somethings in my office btch and complain. They don't know what tough is.
For sure JAC,
I think I race with determination.
I remeber watching Jens Voight a few years ago when he just kept on getting in breaks at the Tour, he just wouldn't quit, I loved it, I said if I could have a "style" that would be it. I'm not comparing myself to Voight, but I try to ride with the same kind of angst.
We try to manage with work and stuff, but sometimes you gottta take chances, I've got a great career that I can walk away from and come back to at my leasure...I never took a positon at either place for that the exact reason that if an opportunity presents it self, I'm ready to split.
DSJ
yah work damn hard for it.
I would probably do the same if I was in your situation.
Yah only get a kick at that can very few times in life.
So, give it all yah got.
Life is short. Gotta live it to the fullest.
Every day!
(so many people don't, damn shame really)
but, on another note, if you were a buddy of mine who took up mtbing after 20 years of motorcycle racing then went back to motorcycle racing....
I'd tell yah your nuts!
Cycling is a great sport. Racing is tough though. I have an appreciation for those that make it to the top cause I've had a small glipse into what it takes for you guys to make it there.
It ain't easy. Nor should it be.
Takes determination, guts (will to put it all on the line), blood & tears, and a whole lotta muscle power....
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